Im mad! Im upset that i have been set up to believe that true love is an instant free thing...that it's easy to find, because its not. My whole life I have been waiting for someone to literally sweep me off of my feet, just like in the movies and I have clearly been misinformed. If this were true, all I would have to do is something cute like slip and fall in front of a fireman's station and prince charming would be there to catch me and we would fall in love, get married and make babies. It seems ridiculous right? Too bad a large percent of women in the world, including myself have thought of love this way. I have learned being single all throughout college that dating is a battlefield of hilarious stories and single moments, but college is usually not the foundation where relationships begin. So many girls just want to be taken out and cared for, but a lot of times what we want does not match up with what they want. When do we (men and women) meet up and level off? Does it ever happen? I get so discouraged sometimes and I know im not alone. I hear about so many wonderful women that grow to be in their late 30s and sometimes older women who never have found someone to spend their lives with. Could that be because we all look at love in the eyes of hopeless romantics and want our stories to match up with the romantic comedies we watch on televsion while eating a pint of ben and jerry's? We have been raised to think of love in this way. The problem is, I think I will always be a hopeless romantic and I still have hope that someday it will happen. Should I be worried?

god?

Im at a place in my life where I really want something to believe. I feel like right now I am just breathing without a purpose and I want so much more meaning to my life. I already have a will to do good by others, but it does not feel like enough. Being a Catholic church member is one of the most difficult denominations to belong to because it has such a negative stigma to it. I believe in some things, but don't agree with much. Things happen all over the world that are just terrible, and it seems almost impossible that God exists at all. What I can't help wondering is if a higher being does not exist, then why are there still random acts of kindness or why do the majority of people still want to go to heaven? Catholicism seems to force itself upon its young members and it has driven so many of us away from the church, me being one of them. Although drifting away, I still feel as though im leaving with much less than when I was when I was very religious when I was younger. I question everything now. Im all logic, i rarely leave room for faith or grey areas. I see things in black and white and I have never felt so at odds with my spirit as a person. I have no idea what religion I belong to, but Im always searching. I want a reason for things. I no longer beleieve blindly when it comes to anything, Im very cautious instead. I just want something to happen to me to change how I feel about everything. Its unexplainable, but I always know I am being taken care of and I will get through things. I have been through some pretty terrible life situations, and I have prayed to someone, something, and I am comforted.....what is that? What do you call that?? I guess Im looking for answers that cannot be found literally or blatently, but will be found in life's sublteties. I guess thats how it works, religion is a way of putting a positive spin on the shitty world around us and finding joy in the simple, subtle hints of kindness found in the occasional situation. Im really just not sure.

BOREDOM

Im in the library doing a powerpoint for my photo class, but I'd much rather be doing something else. Im going to write about my perfect version of now.....So its quarter of ten pm and If I had to pick, I would be outside and it would be slightly warmer out. Not too warm, the air should be crisp. I want to sit outside on the top of O'hill and stare at the stars. I have not done it soooo long! I would bring my thermus and fill it with hot chocolate. I would put out a blanket and just lay there all bundled up. I would take time to think about my plans for the summer and next year as a senior....I would gather my thoughts. I would probably be munching on some goldfish. Probably flavor blasted...because we all know its superior to ordinary goldfish. I would breath in the evening air of spring. I would just relax. Mentally, I am there. Barf. I should get back to work.
<3

Thinking time

I have not had much to write about lately. I have actually had too much to write down. I'm sorting myself out. Changing some things. Going back to some old habits.....good ones. I'm weeding out the bad in my life to move on and grow. I am growing. Senior year is approaching and I feel as though i'm still a child. I want to succeed. i want to meet new amazing people to change my life path. I just want to live. I feel as though my entire life has been playing it safe. I do not take enough risk. I live cautiously. I don't hurt feelings, I don't get into trouble, I try no to dissapoint. I'm starting to realize that life is full of mistakes to learn from and I should be open to making them. I also should be okay with who I am. I may never be that crazy girl that is the life of every party and free of sexual limitations, but I own that. I am who I am. I'm realizing that I can take risks while still being me. I will not grow if I do not jump. Lately I've been on the edge and now im ready to take the plunge. I want to pick MY life career. I am an artist and will become a good one in my own way. I will read and educate myself. I will meet someone who shares my interests and thirst for learning. I will be fine. Now I just have to figure out how to have fun while doing it haha.