dirty secret

Heres my secret. I think about you almost everyday. I wonder what you are up to and how your life is. I haven't found someone who I have had as much fun with since you and I am not sure I ever will and that scares me. You are the only one who has loved me for me entirely and I value it more now than I ever have before. With you I am comfortable. I've gone through all the phases. Its over, but my secret is I sometimes still hope that we will try it out again someday and have a wicked fun life together. Call it what you want, but whats the harm in thinking about it outloud?

what the fuck. I hate this shit

what is it?

What is it that makes us want to make poor decisions?? You know that feeling....the feeling you know what you are doing is terrible, but you secretly enjoy the edge of it. Why do we like it!? I mean it never turns out well. Something is found out or your plan falls through orr you feel terrible later.....why can't we misbehave and once or twice just get off easy? Like the small stuff. Why can't we just get off guilt free? Its not like someone dies or something. I mean you slip ex lax in your 8th grade teacher's coffee....I still feel bad to this day. It felt goooood doing it but my god she spent the entire day in the bathroom. Why do we do those things?? Or the rush of an almost affair? The choice to cheat on something or someone? Stealing a gnome off of a lawn? Why do we continue to do them? I mean is it worth the adrenaline rush........I think so :)
live a little

oh boy

I think I really screwed up...I had something good and I let it slip between my fingers....im an idiot.

Make my heart heavy good stuff :
"We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids, Annie and Josh. Annie's not much of a violin player, but she tries real hard. She's a little precocious, but that's only because she says what's on her mind. And when she smiles... And Josh, he has your eyes. He doesn't say much, but we know he's smart. He's always got his eyes open, he's always watching us. Sometimes you can look at him and you just know he's learning something new. It's like witnessing a miracle. The house is a mess but it's ours. After 122 more payments, it's going to be ours. And you, you're a non-profit lawyer. That's right, you're completely non-profit, but that doesn't seem to bother you. And we're in love. After 13 years of marriage we're still unbelievably in love. You won't even let me touch you until I've said it. I sing to you. Not all the time, but definitely on special occasions. We've dealt with our share of surprises and made a lot of sacrifices but we've stayed together. You see, you're a better person than I am. And it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was just all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and I imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane right now, it'll disappear forever. I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd both be fine, but I've seen what we could be like together. And I choose us. "-Nicholas Cage (The Family Man)

Just get here already.

mr. right?

Im in college and im thinking that I won't meet mr. right here. When mom tells you boys become men in college....I've experienced different. Im not moping or having self pity, Im just embracing the truth. Hes out there though. I may not meet him at UMASS, but I know there are several types of people I could end up with. I want someone I can visit art museums with and not feel guilty about dragging him. He will be passionate about music and attend numerous amounts of concerts with me and expand my musical palliate. He will make me laugh so hard I will have tears running down my face. He will make me cry in a good way, open my eyes, tell me the truth. He won't be afraid to hurt my feelings if it means I can improve. He will be silly. He will love/hate my neuroses'.He will be AMAZING in the sac...I mean...phenomenal. He will love the outdoors and will make me take risks. He will show me a new side of myself that I can love and grow in. Live a little. Take a leap of faith. He will love me for exactly who I am.

I know that there is no such thing as a perfect man, but I know there is a person out there who shares some of these characteristics and im ready for him. and I hope he will give me a call.

Good One Liners

Here are some sexy/good/oh so nice song lyrics that I just so happen to like very much:
"Take a chance, play your part
Make romance, it might brake your heart
But if you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait to long"-Madeleine Peyroux

"Your like my favorite damn disease"-Nickelback

"You put my feet back on the ground...you were sweet and you were sound....you save me"
-Zero 7

"Let go. Jump in. Oh its so amazing. Its alright. There's beauty in the breakdown"-Frou Frou

"Id go the whole wide world, go the whole wide world just to find her"-Monkees

"Jump in the mud, gets your hands filthy with, love it up, love, everyday"-Dave Matthews Band

"I survive on the breath you are finished with"-John Mayer

"Your eyes are as big as your bubbly toes"-Jack Johnson

"And you know the rain won't last forever.And you know the storm won't always flow.But if the sun don't shine forever.You gotta let it go."-Hope

"Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love. But I want, want, want to be your love.
Want to be your love, for real"-Rachael Yamagata

asshole

You think you own the ground you walk on. Strong strut, boyish grin, confident gaze, but your all washed up. Girls like me see right through you. You think you have us with your one liners, your endless compliments, your oh so genuine perspective, but I know, we know what you really are. Your attractive now and it may win you some good lays, but ten years from now when your once beefed arms sat now rests slabs of flab and a single lifestyle. You spent so much time worrying about getting what was yours, you now have 5 STDS, your hair is falling out, your smoking a blunt while watching saturday night re runs and youre alone. Alone with your thoughts. Maybe hittin' and quittin is not so appealing with hindsight. Maybe college was not all about sleeping around and drinkin beers.....maybe you missed out on the girl you walked by without a second thought who is making some other guy who looked up and did notice her the best life he could possibly live. Being an asshole can be fun for awhile, but it will catch up to you. Karma is a bitch and for those of you who live in this lifestyle, its never too late to snap out of it. The worst way to live your life is never knowing what a sad ass you were until its too late and for that, I pity you.

Ugh...so good!

There are rarely any movies out now that truly shake me. It's usually the classics that make you smile and you know...whoa this is a good one....like Stand By Me. Tonight I went with my favorite ladies to see The Secret Life of Bees and I was drawn to it. I loved it. It was such a good book and I couldn't wait to see the film. The characters in the film were just how I had imagined them and quotes from the novel were actually used. It brought me to tears. I have become quite the cynic recently and so for me to cry in a movie, it was THAT good. I love when a movie can just capture you and move your insides a little bit. Who knew that a movie could actually give someone long lasting happiness? The overall theme of the story was beautiful. Love at its finest. Not cheesy love, but the kind that people grow into; the best kind. I wonder why there are not more directors trying to make something so meaningful to people. It seems what sells best are the superbads and anchorman wannabies. Films that are slap your knee worthy, but the happiness seems to disappear when you leave the theatre. Movies like this one linger and make you appreciate things. Those are my favorite types of movies. I live for that feeling of appreciation. Its just what I needed tonight and if anyone actually reads my blogs haha you should go see it too.

Breathe in

Breathe out
tight grasp
gestures
sweat
anticipation
russsshhhh
eyes shut
hold on
catch
and
release

my thoughts on religion

im going through a point in my life where I don't really know where I stand or what it's for. I have developed my own moral throughout my own experiences. I like how I turned out and my parents tell me its because of God's guidance....but is it? I don't want to have something to believe in that has caused death and destruction for thousands of years. People have died for their religion, for what they believe and I do not feel that strongly about anything...and it leaves me confused. I want to believe that there is a reason that things happen and that one day I may understand why there is so much evil in the world. I've become more aware of what I stand for and I think that Catholicism is my main source of confusion. How can a belief system say they are accepting of all people, but not allow gay couples to marry? I also cannot believe in a religion that uses guilt as it's fuel. I want something to believe in. I know there is something bigger than me out there because there is something within me that makes me want to do good rather than bad for reasons beyond myself. I want to reach out and help people. I want to take a leap...but where. For years, I have had an intuition that I am put on this earth to help people. Ideas of the peace core, community service, teach for America, and aids help have been echoing my thoughts. How do you explain that? I always believe in the best of people. I look at happiness first. All of these things, I feel like I developed on my own. I have not asked God for help with these things, I just became this way....soo what made me happen? Maybe im being WAY too introspective...maybe I should close my eyes and follow blindly with Catholicism...or maybe I should just jump and make what I can from what I have and do good on my own.

oh my god

im pretty sure I did THE most embarrassing thing I could have done. I will never be able to take it back....and I wanna. Ugh haha oh well

You're the prince to my ballerina
You feed other people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week
You give love to all and give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
When I fear the unknown
You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet, and you were sound
You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony keys
You would share your last jelly bean
You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around
And 'round and 'round
-SIA

I just want someone to change my life path.

chosen blindness

Isn't it funny how we only remember certain things when it is convenient for us? I mean even when something is all around us, it is only when we decided to look that it hits us square in the face. Years ago, I remember there being a mention of a war in Africa. I was young and thought because it was not within my circle of knowledge that I was safe from it and I need not take any notice of it. Now, many years later, the body count of Darfur is catastrophic. Starvation is inevitable. Thousands of children are orphaned. Women are being raped. Innocent children are being murdered. And we just sit. We sit and talk. We talk about how much of a difference we can make and state things like "its so simple if everyone just took action" but we all know it is far from simple. The human nature is to ignore the dark cloud above us. It is only when lightening strikes that action is made. I am of no help. I chose to ignore this problem for years and it is only now when I watch something on youtube that I decided I want to research this problem. I want to know how I can make a difference. How do I learn to make proactive decisions? There is a world out there that I want no part of, but I am drawn to it. I want to help.
I can't help but feel ashamed. I am sitting here in a home with a family, food, education, employment, and a future. Halfway across the world, a girl just like me has been robbed of all of these things and she is wondering if she will make it through the next day, week or month on her own.
I cannot even fathom the intensity of her situation.
God help her.

I can't help it
I can hardly breathe
and I love it.

There's a corner of your heart>> for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.
There is room beneath your bed >>for me.
There is room beneath your bed just >>for me.
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to sleep underneath your bed.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to stay in the corner of you heart.
-Ingrid Michealson

Words

Why do adults always tell children that "words can never harm them?" Its one of the worst lies that a parent can tell their child. Coming from a child who's entire childhood was filled with these mythical phrases and catchlines, I have known for a long time that this specific phrase is not true. Its strange how tonation of a word can completely change how it is interpreted. Something said flatly is interpreted as uniterested and something said sharply is known to inflict pain. Although it is just a word or phrase, it can sting for years. It may heal halfway, but theres always a chance it can rupture. The pain of a single phrase of words in a specific order can scar. What I wonder is how humans learn the proper way to verbally injure someone. I have never mastered the art, nor do I ever want to, but some are better than others. This weekend, I learned the true power of hurtful words. Words can be the best tool a person has. They offer self expression, articulation, personality, and art. Its sad that some people use words to cut, gash, and wound the vulnerable. I guess those kind of people are put on this earth to remind us of our strength. They are looking to fill a gaping hole within them that will never have sufficient. the end, when all is said and done, they will feel empty inside and have no one to blame but themselves.

All grown up

For the first time on Sunday, I felt my age. SOO weird. I went to go see Baby Mama by myself. It was HILARIOUS and I enjoyed myself. I never thought I would ever be able to do things by myself, but now I find comfort in it. I felt "grown up".

change

I know people say change is good...but its bad too. I mean...change is hard. I hate it. I don't like to differ from my normal self. In fact, my most recent changes have been the most difficult to handle. I wonder if you conciously do it or if theres a way to stop changing. I mean I basically want the personality I have now when im old because I dont want to feel old. Im tired of compromising myself for other people. Im always dissapointed in the end. I need to stop changing the good things and target the stuff thats healthy to change. This is more of a self reflective thing for myself I guess. The worst is guys. For the longest time I have felt like if i change to this guys standards, ill be okay but i noticed something: they never change for me. I need to stop molding myself into someone im pretending to be. Its too exhausting and painful. I wanna be me.

high

Im running on four hours of sleep right now.....got a caffiene high ...ugggh thought i'd share. The loss of sleep. ..Totally worth it ; )

Recognition

Im in a lyrics phase.......

We are just shadows
Crawling through this micro alley
But I am hungry for your love
And I am starving for a better time
But that’s all we got here
That’s all we know
That’s all we’ve become
Our recognition
Yeah well we be walking in
Some kind of direction
In a line with our right foot first
Yes we’re waiting for some material heaven
That will, that will quench our thirst
But that’s all we got here
That’s all we know
That’s all we’ve become
Our recognition
And I don’t know what to do
About holding my head high
I am struggling to breathe through all these
In between times
And I am wondering why
I am wondering why
And I was born into this place
That filters who we are
By what we have done
Yes I know I am a product of this institution
That’s all I got yeah
That’s all I know
That’s all i’ve become
My recognition oh
And I don’t know what to do
About holding my head high
I am struggling to breathe through all these
In between times
And I am wondering why
I am wondering why

Song in my head.....

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind....Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappyI thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me.....Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips

You told me you would never, never forget

These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappyI thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

*I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that...Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?*

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should have known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

-----A fine frenzy

Enough Said

Did you know that you actually tore my heart out of chest? It's almost completely healed now...but I feel like I have some things to say. It started out great, our first year was our best, you taught me things I would have never been exposed to. You showed me who I really was and I liked how I turned out. You taught me how to laugh at myself and how to have fun....but you also showed me what its really like to cry and how hard life really is outside of my own and that things aren't sugar coated. You opened my eyes to a world where I feel naked, but im glad it happend. In our second year, we struggled, but we tried really hard to keep ot going. College brought us our independence and we both embraced it.We met new people and changed our lives...almost to the point where we changed us. Something happend along the way that changed our connection.We fought about things we shouldn't have and said some things we didn't mean leaving behind some memories I wish I could erase. Looking back I understand why it ended. We became different people and drifted apart. We have different living styles and our moral outlook is different. We are at different maturity levels and could not make it work. I also learned from you that I can change and grow and be stronger than I ever thought I could be. You also showed me what to look for in the next relationship, which is important to me. What I don't understand is why you did not tell me about what happend to you this summer. Yes, I know. Im dissapointed...you know better. Your life path is delicate. You may never read this, but if you do, you'll know this is for you and I want to tell you not to fuck up your life. You know your circumstances and you know what your life could be like if you don't handle it correctly. I never understood it. I don't know if I ever will. Even though its taken me months to ease the pain, im almost done healing and I want you to know im fine without you. I reminisce sometimes, but im moving on without you. Im growing by myself and I wouldn't change anything at all. Thanks for everything. You've changed me forever.
Devon

Contemplative

Do you ever stop and just process everything? I mean do you ever stop to allow yourself to catch up with the pace of your life? Its hard to let it sink in sometimes. Im a second semester sophomore...im halfway done with my college career after this semester...and im scared. Not so much that I won't be successful...because I will be...I just feel like its moving way too fast. On my twentieth birthday, it hit me like the feeling when you get the wind knocked out of you. I could barely breathe haha actually I had a panic attack...not so sure if it was that more so my claustrophobia kicked in with a party of 200 kids in a three foot wide hallway. But..I hafta grow up now, weather i like it or not, its gonna happen. I don't think im ready. I have so much learning to do in the next two years. I feel young, but old at the same time...maybe not old, but grown up. I no longer think that the guy with the bad ass attitude is the one for me...I know the consequences to my actions, I can make my own decisions...even if they aren't always the right ones. I just feel like im in limbo between adult and kid....I wonder if that feeling ever goes away. I mean my parents still cannot believe they are in their mid forties and have three kids....maybe I won't grow up, Ill just look older and enjoy the ride...Ill let life happen to me and just go along with it...? Eventually....im just gonna jump