Women

I have no idea how we expect men to understand us when I don't even have a clue as to why women are the way we are. We get mad at nothing. We take something small and make it huge! We take sides when we have no business to. We gossip. We travel in large groups or pairs and are incapable of being alone....even for a bathroom trip. Sometimes I feel so foreign to the female species, I have no idea where I fit?

the games we play

I am so tired of the social standards or what to do and what not to do! I mean, who says you can't wear white in February!? Why are women stereotyped as homosexual if they wear sweats everyday and a baseball cap? Why CAN'T I swear!? Who says I have to wait a certain amount of dates to make something official? Why does ANYTHING need to be official!? Why is there such a hype around every action people take!? It drives me insane. I have always felt I feel most comfortable marching to the beat of my own drum, but I feel like I am always on the outside because of it. I am blunt because I feel honesty in a person is a rare quality and why not tell things the way they are? I feel as though certain social standards of dating, conducting myself as a woman, education, and expectations hold me back. If I hold back on sex, which I do, im considered a prude. If I move too quick too soon, I'm a slut, but its okay for a man to bed as many women as he wants because "its a phase". BULL! I am not supposed to burp or find potty humor amusing, because I am expected to "be a lady". I wear sweatpants and a baseball hat at least four times a week. Its what I do. As soon as I dress in a sexy dress, I'm a slut? What? All of these social standards hold me down. DATING! OH such another realm all together. The girl, she can't be too forward because she will scare him off. She waits for the phone call. She plays hard to get. She is not supposed to let him know how much she likes him. What kind of backwards standard is that!? If I like a guy, I will tell him. If I want to talk to him, I want to call him. Who says its the guy's job to make the first move? Why can't I? I can probably do it better than he can :) Unfortunately it is this attitude that often gets me burned. I stick out. I was not raised to blend in. I like it, but it sure makes things much more difficult.

how can you have no idea?

I'm on, you're off. I'm free, you aren't. I catch a break, you're stuck. How is it we are always on different ends of the spectrum but we've always found eachother here and there? I wonder sometimes how you do not know. How can you really have no idea I've thought about you and me. Or Maybe you do and choose to pretend. Maybe it will never be. The best part is I can wait and see.

This song made me so nostalgic

Thirteen

We've been in the rain
We've been on the mountain
We've been round the fire

In fancy hotels
Drank water from farm wells
We sang with the choir

I kissed your dry lips
We jumped off the high cliffs
And splashed down below

Skin to skin
In the salty river
Made love in the shadow
Woooah ooh

Read books to each other
Read the mind of the other
Flew one thousand

We laughed and we cried
At movies and real life
In our ridiculous beds

We danced in the moonlight at midnight
We pressed against back doors and wooden floors
And you never faked it

And frequently
We ignored our love
But we could never mistake it
Oooh ooh

We met on the front porch
Fell in love on the phone
Without the physical wreck

You gave me the necklace
That used to hang
Around your mothers neck

We questioned religions
Fed bread to the pigeons
We learned how to pray

We stood by the ocean
Turned our hearts in to one
We laid in bed all day
Heeey

We skipped on the sidewalk
Skipped stones on the water
We skipped town

We've seen the sunrise with new eyes
We've seen the damage of gossip and true lies
We've seen the sun go down

Had passionate makeouts
And passionate freakouts
We built this world of our own

It was in the back of a taxi
When you told me you loved me
And that I wasn't alone

I usually can see these things coming, but I really wanted this one to work out....

why do I still miss him?

Amusing Lyrics

Rock N' Roll-Eric Hutchinson

He’s been waiting around for the weekend
Figuring which club to sneak in
Fancy drinks and fifty-dollar cover charge
Lately it’s been a big hassle
Heineken and New Castle
To make sure he’s fitting in and living large
Disregard the lies that he will tell
and what he’s probably like 'cause
It's not hard his charm is gonna
Get him through the night

If he wanna rock he rocks
If he wanna roll he rolls
He can roll with the punches
Long as he feels like he’s in control
If he wanna stay he stays
If he wanna go he goes
He doesn’t care how he gets there
Long as he gets somewhere he knows oh no
ah na na na na na na na na na na na
ah na na na na na na na na na na na

See her heavy make up and cut t-shirt
Every girl out wants to be her
But they look the same already why adjust
Reading the magazine secrets
Forget the topical regrets
'Cause If she comes home all alone the nights a bust
It’s a must the swivel in her hips
And the look she gives
It’s all her trust if only in the morning
She knew where she lived

'Cause If she wanna rock she rocks
If she wanna roll she rolls
She can roll with the punches
Long as she feels like she’s in control
If she wanna stay she stays
If she wanna go she goes
She doesn’t care how she gets there
Long as she gets somewhere she knows oh no
ah na na na na na na na na na na na
ah na na na na na na na na na na na

And in a wink they’re on the brink
From drink to drink and at the bar
With cash to blow
From shot to shot it’s getting hot
Advance the plot to see how far
It’s gonna go
All depends so ditch the friends
And grab a cab
Another chance for cheap romance
Doesn’t count cause the room is spinning
Nothing to lose tonight they both are winning
And they fall in love as they fall in bed
They sing

If they wanna rock they rock
If they wanna roll they roll
They can roll with the punches
Long as they feel like they're in control
If they wanna stay they stay
If they wanna go they go
They don’t care how they get there
Long as they get somewhere they know oh no
ah na na na na na na na na na na na...

How many times must I break before I am finally in pieces?

Just let me be. Get off me. Stop suffocating me. Trust me, I can make my own decisions. Don't second guess me. I do things for me. I own things for me. Understand more, control less. Be a guide, not an obstacle. There are things beyond my control. I dont bend that way. You cant make me fit into a mold that you made. I won't be who you want me to be so stop trying. Accept. Embrace. You can't change me. I won't change for you. Let me go and let me grow.

damn lucky

This summer I could have died. Not once, but twice. If I think about it, I could have died several times this summer. I should consider myself damn blessed. A bump in my back was found and thought to be suspicious. I was almost hit by a car when crossing the tolls in Boston. I got in a car accident damaging my car with a total of $2,000 worth of damage and I was left untouched. Blessed? I think so.

a separate piece

There are times when I feel like I am on a seperate course than everyone else. I don't know why, but I have the feeling I am the way I am for a very specific purpose. I sometimes feel as though I have the innocent playfullness of a six yer old child that so many of my friends have lost....some are lucky enough to have kept it. I also feel as though there are more times than not that I am five years ahead of everyone else. I feel as though I have been planning my purpose in making ripples in the world since age ten and my peers are only now starting to even think about such things and I am a senior in college. I have been a mini adult since I was 13 and realized I may have to take care of my parents and friends more often than they care for me. I am going to have to sit and wait until my peers go through their "experimental stage" and get ready to really live their lives. I will not meet a guy to meet my maturity level until I am graduated college and way on my way to success.....maybe 25-30 because thats when most men decide being with one woman the rest of their lives isn't such a bad thing. I will have to fake crazy bar nights and insane 21st birthdays because I love the people I celebrate them with, but honestly, I can't wait for them to catch up already. I am tired of people thinking the only way to feel like they are living is through an altered state of mind through drugs or alcohol. Im tired of meeting guys who do not have any problem lying to you to get a quick sex fix. Im exhausted with the endless parties and boring talk about "livin' it up" and "scoring some". Im just done. Im ready to travel. Im ready to experience things that are so naturally intense that I feel high with the overwhelming thought that there are things larger in life than my own life. I want to learn things and change lives. I want to see things that help me greater appreciate what I have and show me how to live my life sincerely and selflessly. That is what is important to me. It's so hard to live this way on my own and I cant wait till someone decides to catch up or walk in my direction....

I broke my toe last night while opening a door. Who else do you know that can say that?

tattoo??

So I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for a loooong time and I really am just browsing for now but Im thinking about several different options...I know I want it to be small and somewhere that is not too obvious. I love the idea of small birds or a wishbone..
http://mydailytattoo.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/tattoo2_by_meghanmargarita.jpg
this one is insane but id never do it but something artsy like this would be nice. Maybe I will design it myself.

One of those days

So you know when you have one of those days when you're like, "yeah, Im lookin' good!" Well, I had one of those today. Dressed well, did my hair, had a good photo critique. I was bomb (no modesty in this girl). You know I was so bomb I had an extra bounce in my step. I was so bomb that I did not notice the step that I missed and tripped while going UP the stairs in front of a large crowd of students at the student union spilling my coffee all over myself and stubbing my toes. Oh man, talk about a total buzz kill. It was brutal.

this week

This week I have to work on the following
1) photo project with ten prints due for Monday
2) final 3-D design project due Tuesday
3) Two final graphite drawings for 120 due Tuesday
4) Art Ed observation paper due Monday
5) REAAAALLLYY stupid art writing book due Tuesday

I cannot wait to get wasty faced after this week....phew

Im mad! Im upset that i have been set up to believe that true love is an instant free thing...that it's easy to find, because its not. My whole life I have been waiting for someone to literally sweep me off of my feet, just like in the movies and I have clearly been misinformed. If this were true, all I would have to do is something cute like slip and fall in front of a fireman's station and prince charming would be there to catch me and we would fall in love, get married and make babies. It seems ridiculous right? Too bad a large percent of women in the world, including myself have thought of love this way. I have learned being single all throughout college that dating is a battlefield of hilarious stories and single moments, but college is usually not the foundation where relationships begin. So many girls just want to be taken out and cared for, but a lot of times what we want does not match up with what they want. When do we (men and women) meet up and level off? Does it ever happen? I get so discouraged sometimes and I know im not alone. I hear about so many wonderful women that grow to be in their late 30s and sometimes older women who never have found someone to spend their lives with. Could that be because we all look at love in the eyes of hopeless romantics and want our stories to match up with the romantic comedies we watch on televsion while eating a pint of ben and jerry's? We have been raised to think of love in this way. The problem is, I think I will always be a hopeless romantic and I still have hope that someday it will happen. Should I be worried?

god?

Im at a place in my life where I really want something to believe. I feel like right now I am just breathing without a purpose and I want so much more meaning to my life. I already have a will to do good by others, but it does not feel like enough. Being a Catholic church member is one of the most difficult denominations to belong to because it has such a negative stigma to it. I believe in some things, but don't agree with much. Things happen all over the world that are just terrible, and it seems almost impossible that God exists at all. What I can't help wondering is if a higher being does not exist, then why are there still random acts of kindness or why do the majority of people still want to go to heaven? Catholicism seems to force itself upon its young members and it has driven so many of us away from the church, me being one of them. Although drifting away, I still feel as though im leaving with much less than when I was when I was very religious when I was younger. I question everything now. Im all logic, i rarely leave room for faith or grey areas. I see things in black and white and I have never felt so at odds with my spirit as a person. I have no idea what religion I belong to, but Im always searching. I want a reason for things. I no longer beleieve blindly when it comes to anything, Im very cautious instead. I just want something to happen to me to change how I feel about everything. Its unexplainable, but I always know I am being taken care of and I will get through things. I have been through some pretty terrible life situations, and I have prayed to someone, something, and I am comforted.....what is that? What do you call that?? I guess Im looking for answers that cannot be found literally or blatently, but will be found in life's sublteties. I guess thats how it works, religion is a way of putting a positive spin on the shitty world around us and finding joy in the simple, subtle hints of kindness found in the occasional situation. Im really just not sure.

BOREDOM

Im in the library doing a powerpoint for my photo class, but I'd much rather be doing something else. Im going to write about my perfect version of now.....So its quarter of ten pm and If I had to pick, I would be outside and it would be slightly warmer out. Not too warm, the air should be crisp. I want to sit outside on the top of O'hill and stare at the stars. I have not done it soooo long! I would bring my thermus and fill it with hot chocolate. I would put out a blanket and just lay there all bundled up. I would take time to think about my plans for the summer and next year as a senior....I would gather my thoughts. I would probably be munching on some goldfish. Probably flavor blasted...because we all know its superior to ordinary goldfish. I would breath in the evening air of spring. I would just relax. Mentally, I am there. Barf. I should get back to work.
<3

Thinking time

I have not had much to write about lately. I have actually had too much to write down. I'm sorting myself out. Changing some things. Going back to some old habits.....good ones. I'm weeding out the bad in my life to move on and grow. I am growing. Senior year is approaching and I feel as though i'm still a child. I want to succeed. i want to meet new amazing people to change my life path. I just want to live. I feel as though my entire life has been playing it safe. I do not take enough risk. I live cautiously. I don't hurt feelings, I don't get into trouble, I try no to dissapoint. I'm starting to realize that life is full of mistakes to learn from and I should be open to making them. I also should be okay with who I am. I may never be that crazy girl that is the life of every party and free of sexual limitations, but I own that. I am who I am. I'm realizing that I can take risks while still being me. I will not grow if I do not jump. Lately I've been on the edge and now im ready to take the plunge. I want to pick MY life career. I am an artist and will become a good one in my own way. I will read and educate myself. I will meet someone who shares my interests and thirst for learning. I will be fine. Now I just have to figure out how to have fun while doing it haha.

When I think about all the time I wasted on you it makes me sick. Part of me wishes you never entered my life at all.

So Here We Are-Bloc Party

I caught a glimpse, but it's been forgotten
So here we are again

I made a vow, to carry you home....home


I really tried to do what you wanted
It all went wrong again

I made a vow, to carry you home
If you fall sick, If you pass out

*I figured it out*

I can see again

mm hmm

Today for no specific reason at all, I felt pretty damn sexy....and it felt good :)

bad dreams

Sometimes I think we are meant to have bad dreams to appreciate what we have...maybe it really is just a slip of the subconcious, but everytime I have one, I wake up and want to be with the people I have dreamt about. Today I woke up in a cold sweat because I dreamt about losing both my parents at once. Petrified I woke up because I honestly do not think my body could take such a mental picture. When I woke up, I told each of them that I loved them. It sounds sentimental and silly, but I do this everytime I have a bad dream. It could be about someone I havent spoken to in years, but I will contact that person and tell them I am thinking of them. Call it a guilty concience, but its just something I have to do.

uh oh

This rarely happens...but tonight for some reason, I felt like an old person haha I didn't like it

untitled

I wrote this for an Art Writing assignment and read it aloud to the class. hehe

Consider the following object; smooth in texture and slender. Its tip pointed up towards the ceiling, while its shaft is hidden underneath. Standing stationary on its own due to its bottom piece, this object can be pulled into two pieces. With a small twist of the wrist, the shaft of the object can be raised or lowered ever so slightly according to the amount of applications needed for beauty. Although used infrequently, this object has the capability of making an occasion carry great importance and stands out among other products of its kind.
Target red reads its color, bright and vibrant on all who find its use plausible. Often used as an accessory of adornment, its function is to excite the eyes. Released from a silver cylindrical device, it is created for quick use and conveniently dainty with a measurement of 3 ½ inches in length and 1 inch in width. Although small, its use can bring attention of many spectators both male and female. Historically, it has been used for over a century as a symbol of femininity and sex appeal. This is not any ordinary tube of lipstick by L’Oreal, it is an instrument of beauty.

Stuff that just makes you feel good

-Finding a new artist/songwriter and sharing them with someone
-The smell of rain before it falls
-Seeing/participating in a random act of kindness
-Curling up and watching a movie with someone who will touch every inch of you
-The first snowfall
-Very rare runner's high
-A good outfit
-A Monet landscape
-Gustav Klimt
-Lying naked under the warm covers
-The feeling of heavy relaxation the moment before you fall asleep
-Amalfi Coastline
-The hot sun beaming down on your cold body after a dip in the ocean
-Hearing "You are in fact very different"
-A hot. steamy shower...at least a half hour long
-Adrenaline rush during a kiss
-Saving a life. yes,I have
-Favorite song comes on the radio when you mentally ask it to
-New shoes
-A smile from a stranger in passing
-The release after a test from hell has finally ended
-First sign of spring after a long, torturous winter
-Lying down, closing your eyes, and really taking in the lyrics and sound of a great song
-Sexy Lingerie...even if its just me who knows i am wearing it
-Long hugs
-Being the first one to run your tracks through the snow
-Suffocation..from laughter
-A kiss amongst chaos
-Ice Cream
-Puppies
-Brutally profound words from a younger person
-The smell of a newborn baby
Just to name a few ;)

Thank God I am alive. Even in this time of financial starvation in our country, I am so greatful for the twenty one years of my life.

High School?

I just watched a full length documentary on American Teenagers at Indiana State High School. It was a very well filmed show about several different "labeled" kids in the cliques of senior year. It takes the viewer alongside the students and swallows you whole into the dramatic world of being an 18 year old. There was the jock trying to get a basketball scholarship. The queen bee of student council who had looks, grades, everything who wanted to go to Notre Dame. The band geek who just couldn't score with the ladies, and the art freak who wanted to go to filming school in California. This movie showed me the ups and downs of high school and brought me back to an all familiar scratching fest of the social totem pole. How could kids be so mean to spread rumors about skanks and hoes? Who vandalizes a home because their vote for prom theme didn't work out? It seems ridiculous, but to these kids, it is their world.
The show got me to wondering.....who was I in this scenario? I went to a Catholic school where cliques are supposedly non existent, but to anyone who has been in my situation, we all know better than to believe that God's school does not make social groups. I was never a name anyone could drop, I feel as though I went throughout high school being unnoticed by most. I had a best friend, Liz and a small group of friends that unfortunately faded after high school, but almost four years later, I am kind of curious to see what everyone truly thought of me. Of course there were the lesbian rumors that spread rapidly the first day of freshmen year. Who knew a small comment to a fellow student about the upkeep of her hair could result in labeling someones sexual identity? In high school, it was all about being labeled. If you were one way one time, it stuck with you the entire duration of your stay. I wonder what I was?
Was I the art freak? I loved the arts and spent most of my time after school doodling in my notebook and finding artistic connections with meaning behind them.
Was I the nerd who was enrolled in several different clubs such as national honor society, SADD, Hospice, and Yearbook?
Was I the scholar who strives to get a straight A record hoping to get into tons of well known schools? The girl who loved AP English and would squeal at the thought of meeting a famous author such as Jane Austin?
I was all of these things, but I feel as though I did not fit into one category. It puzzles me. I am curious to see what others thought of me in high school and where they thought I would go several years from now once I graduated. I know it seems pointless to wonder now, high school is a minor part of our existence, but it seems to leave an imprint in everyone s heart whether it be good or bad. Everyone secretly wanted to be a fly on the wall to see or hear what their peers thought of them. People still wonder. I know I still do.