change

I know people say change is good...but its bad too. I mean...change is hard. I hate it. I don't like to differ from my normal self. In fact, my most recent changes have been the most difficult to handle. I wonder if you conciously do it or if theres a way to stop changing. I mean I basically want the personality I have now when im old because I dont want to feel old. Im tired of compromising myself for other people. Im always dissapointed in the end. I need to stop changing the good things and target the stuff thats healthy to change. This is more of a self reflective thing for myself I guess. The worst is guys. For the longest time I have felt like if i change to this guys standards, ill be okay but i noticed something: they never change for me. I need to stop molding myself into someone im pretending to be. Its too exhausting and painful. I wanna be me.

high

Im running on four hours of sleep right now.....got a caffiene high ...ugggh thought i'd share. The loss of sleep. ..Totally worth it ; )

Recognition

Im in a lyrics phase.......

We are just shadows
Crawling through this micro alley
But I am hungry for your love
And I am starving for a better time
But that’s all we got here
That’s all we know
That’s all we’ve become
Our recognition
Yeah well we be walking in
Some kind of direction
In a line with our right foot first
Yes we’re waiting for some material heaven
That will, that will quench our thirst
But that’s all we got here
That’s all we know
That’s all we’ve become
Our recognition
And I don’t know what to do
About holding my head high
I am struggling to breathe through all these
In between times
And I am wondering why
I am wondering why
And I was born into this place
That filters who we are
By what we have done
Yes I know I am a product of this institution
That’s all I got yeah
That’s all I know
That’s all i’ve become
My recognition oh
And I don’t know what to do
About holding my head high
I am struggling to breathe through all these
In between times
And I am wondering why
I am wondering why

Song in my head.....

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind....Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappyI thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me.....Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips

You told me you would never, never forget

These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappyI thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

*I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that...Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?*

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should have known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

-----A fine frenzy

Enough Said

Did you know that you actually tore my heart out of chest? It's almost completely healed now...but I feel like I have some things to say. It started out great, our first year was our best, you taught me things I would have never been exposed to. You showed me who I really was and I liked how I turned out. You taught me how to laugh at myself and how to have fun....but you also showed me what its really like to cry and how hard life really is outside of my own and that things aren't sugar coated. You opened my eyes to a world where I feel naked, but im glad it happend. In our second year, we struggled, but we tried really hard to keep ot going. College brought us our independence and we both embraced it.We met new people and changed our lives...almost to the point where we changed us. Something happend along the way that changed our connection.We fought about things we shouldn't have and said some things we didn't mean leaving behind some memories I wish I could erase. Looking back I understand why it ended. We became different people and drifted apart. We have different living styles and our moral outlook is different. We are at different maturity levels and could not make it work. I also learned from you that I can change and grow and be stronger than I ever thought I could be. You also showed me what to look for in the next relationship, which is important to me. What I don't understand is why you did not tell me about what happend to you this summer. Yes, I know. Im dissapointed...you know better. Your life path is delicate. You may never read this, but if you do, you'll know this is for you and I want to tell you not to fuck up your life. You know your circumstances and you know what your life could be like if you don't handle it correctly. I never understood it. I don't know if I ever will. Even though its taken me months to ease the pain, im almost done healing and I want you to know im fine without you. I reminisce sometimes, but im moving on without you. Im growing by myself and I wouldn't change anything at all. Thanks for everything. You've changed me forever.
Devon

Contemplative

Do you ever stop and just process everything? I mean do you ever stop to allow yourself to catch up with the pace of your life? Its hard to let it sink in sometimes. Im a second semester sophomore...im halfway done with my college career after this semester...and im scared. Not so much that I won't be successful...because I will be...I just feel like its moving way too fast. On my twentieth birthday, it hit me like the feeling when you get the wind knocked out of you. I could barely breathe haha actually I had a panic attack...not so sure if it was that more so my claustrophobia kicked in with a party of 200 kids in a three foot wide hallway. But..I hafta grow up now, weather i like it or not, its gonna happen. I don't think im ready. I have so much learning to do in the next two years. I feel young, but old at the same time...maybe not old, but grown up. I no longer think that the guy with the bad ass attitude is the one for me...I know the consequences to my actions, I can make my own decisions...even if they aren't always the right ones. I just feel like im in limbo between adult and kid....I wonder if that feeling ever goes away. I mean my parents still cannot believe they are in their mid forties and have three kids....maybe I won't grow up, Ill just look older and enjoy the ride...Ill let life happen to me and just go along with it...? Eventually....im just gonna jump

Drugs

If you do drugs, this may not be a good blog to read, although i dont think anyone reads my blogs anyways, im going to go on a ranting spree to get some things off my chest. Marijuana, what the big deal about it!? It is not even that FUN! When people do it, they just sit there like lumps on a log, nothing happens, no one does anything extraordinary, people just veg. I dont understand why people think its soooo cool and dangerous to try it. Although it makes you feel good....hell...so does chocolate! Why not eat that instead!? It literally does kill brain cells..I mean how many people do you know who did pot their whole lives who are ultimately successful...HMMM! Well I dont know ANY. I know people who did do it their entire lives and they are working for retail jobs and go from job to job paycheck to paycheck. I know this is a serious generalization...but it applies to the people I know. I can't even carry a conversation with people who are high ....they have no idea what they are talking about...their memory fails them the minute they open their mouth, talking in circles ...(sigh). It has been a problem for me in all of my relationships....whats the need to do it? He says, its not addictive, therefore its not a drug...WHAT?? how does that make sense?? If it is illegal, thats a big deal in itself...its a drug that shouldnt be in the public...its not on the market for a reason! If it isnt addictive, then why not just stop doing it?? Another thing I dont get is how some people think that after they try pot, why other drugs sound much better! Why out due yourself...trying other drugs to get a better high....its just stupid and risky. Ive known several kids who have gone down that road and they are heading nowhere fast...no college...married ...on welfare....use all the money for drugs...no food...starving...kicked out from their parents home....really Is it worth all that? To do drugs just to get a temporary sensation that makes you feel good!? Doing drugs is a cop out. If you really feel that there isnt something better to do with your life and you feel that the only way you will be happy is if you do drugs, you are taking an easy route. It is much harder to find happiness in your own life sober, but its much more worth while. Heres a challenge, why dont you try a day drug free and stop- and realize all the beautiful simple things in life that can make you happy without drugs...how much you have missed while you were high and dealing and using and now you've got nothing left but no money and an addiction....Think About That.