god?

Im at a place in my life where I really want something to believe. I feel like right now I am just breathing without a purpose and I want so much more meaning to my life. I already have a will to do good by others, but it does not feel like enough. Being a Catholic church member is one of the most difficult denominations to belong to because it has such a negative stigma to it. I believe in some things, but don't agree with much. Things happen all over the world that are just terrible, and it seems almost impossible that God exists at all. What I can't help wondering is if a higher being does not exist, then why are there still random acts of kindness or why do the majority of people still want to go to heaven? Catholicism seems to force itself upon its young members and it has driven so many of us away from the church, me being one of them. Although drifting away, I still feel as though im leaving with much less than when I was when I was very religious when I was younger. I question everything now. Im all logic, i rarely leave room for faith or grey areas. I see things in black and white and I have never felt so at odds with my spirit as a person. I have no idea what religion I belong to, but Im always searching. I want a reason for things. I no longer beleieve blindly when it comes to anything, Im very cautious instead. I just want something to happen to me to change how I feel about everything. Its unexplainable, but I always know I am being taken care of and I will get through things. I have been through some pretty terrible life situations, and I have prayed to someone, something, and I am comforted.....what is that? What do you call that?? I guess Im looking for answers that cannot be found literally or blatently, but will be found in life's sublteties. I guess thats how it works, religion is a way of putting a positive spin on the shitty world around us and finding joy in the simple, subtle hints of kindness found in the occasional situation. Im really just not sure.