Thank God I am alive. Even in this time of financial starvation in our country, I am so greatful for the twenty one years of my life.

High School?

I just watched a full length documentary on American Teenagers at Indiana State High School. It was a very well filmed show about several different "labeled" kids in the cliques of senior year. It takes the viewer alongside the students and swallows you whole into the dramatic world of being an 18 year old. There was the jock trying to get a basketball scholarship. The queen bee of student council who had looks, grades, everything who wanted to go to Notre Dame. The band geek who just couldn't score with the ladies, and the art freak who wanted to go to filming school in California. This movie showed me the ups and downs of high school and brought me back to an all familiar scratching fest of the social totem pole. How could kids be so mean to spread rumors about skanks and hoes? Who vandalizes a home because their vote for prom theme didn't work out? It seems ridiculous, but to these kids, it is their world.
The show got me to wondering.....who was I in this scenario? I went to a Catholic school where cliques are supposedly non existent, but to anyone who has been in my situation, we all know better than to believe that God's school does not make social groups. I was never a name anyone could drop, I feel as though I went throughout high school being unnoticed by most. I had a best friend, Liz and a small group of friends that unfortunately faded after high school, but almost four years later, I am kind of curious to see what everyone truly thought of me. Of course there were the lesbian rumors that spread rapidly the first day of freshmen year. Who knew a small comment to a fellow student about the upkeep of her hair could result in labeling someones sexual identity? In high school, it was all about being labeled. If you were one way one time, it stuck with you the entire duration of your stay. I wonder what I was?
Was I the art freak? I loved the arts and spent most of my time after school doodling in my notebook and finding artistic connections with meaning behind them.
Was I the nerd who was enrolled in several different clubs such as national honor society, SADD, Hospice, and Yearbook?
Was I the scholar who strives to get a straight A record hoping to get into tons of well known schools? The girl who loved AP English and would squeal at the thought of meeting a famous author such as Jane Austin?
I was all of these things, but I feel as though I did not fit into one category. It puzzles me. I am curious to see what others thought of me in high school and where they thought I would go several years from now once I graduated. I know it seems pointless to wonder now, high school is a minor part of our existence, but it seems to leave an imprint in everyone s heart whether it be good or bad. Everyone secretly wanted to be a fly on the wall to see or hear what their peers thought of them. People still wonder. I know I still do.

dirty secret

Heres my secret. I think about you almost everyday. I wonder what you are up to and how your life is. I haven't found someone who I have had as much fun with since you and I am not sure I ever will and that scares me. You are the only one who has loved me for me entirely and I value it more now than I ever have before. With you I am comfortable. I've gone through all the phases. Its over, but my secret is I sometimes still hope that we will try it out again someday and have a wicked fun life together. Call it what you want, but whats the harm in thinking about it outloud?

what the fuck. I hate this shit

what is it?

What is it that makes us want to make poor decisions?? You know that feeling....the feeling you know what you are doing is terrible, but you secretly enjoy the edge of it. Why do we like it!? I mean it never turns out well. Something is found out or your plan falls through orr you feel terrible later.....why can't we misbehave and once or twice just get off easy? Like the small stuff. Why can't we just get off guilt free? Its not like someone dies or something. I mean you slip ex lax in your 8th grade teacher's coffee....I still feel bad to this day. It felt goooood doing it but my god she spent the entire day in the bathroom. Why do we do those things?? Or the rush of an almost affair? The choice to cheat on something or someone? Stealing a gnome off of a lawn? Why do we continue to do them? I mean is it worth the adrenaline rush........I think so :)
live a little

oh boy

I think I really screwed up...I had something good and I let it slip between my fingers....im an idiot.

Make my heart heavy good stuff :
"We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids, Annie and Josh. Annie's not much of a violin player, but she tries real hard. She's a little precocious, but that's only because she says what's on her mind. And when she smiles... And Josh, he has your eyes. He doesn't say much, but we know he's smart. He's always got his eyes open, he's always watching us. Sometimes you can look at him and you just know he's learning something new. It's like witnessing a miracle. The house is a mess but it's ours. After 122 more payments, it's going to be ours. And you, you're a non-profit lawyer. That's right, you're completely non-profit, but that doesn't seem to bother you. And we're in love. After 13 years of marriage we're still unbelievably in love. You won't even let me touch you until I've said it. I sing to you. Not all the time, but definitely on special occasions. We've dealt with our share of surprises and made a lot of sacrifices but we've stayed together. You see, you're a better person than I am. And it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was just all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and I imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane right now, it'll disappear forever. I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd both be fine, but I've seen what we could be like together. And I choose us. "-Nicholas Cage (The Family Man)